My fellow SEO Chick Anita, the loveliest Bulgarian ever and author of How To Write A Kick-Ass Review, has tagged me to write a meme post about 5 Ways You Can Increase Your Visibility in Search. Since I love Anita dearly and have the utmost respect for her, I will do it BUT I will insist upon letting her buy me a glass (or two) of cabernet in Las Vegas.
1. Surround yourself with other really good-looking people, especially women. Yes, this is sexist. Yes, this makes me feel shallow and horrible. However, I can almost guarantee you that the SEO Chicks blog would not have been off to such a great start if we were a bunch of hags. As one very sweet SEO male told me at the SMX conference in Seattle, “you guys are like cheerleaders, but even better because you can do SEO!” That speaks for itself. I didn’t make the cheerleading team in high school, since I never tried out for it, but I did feel like I’d finally arrived. Our blog received a ton of traffic while we were at this show, then received lots of good links from people we met there. It gave us a great start and established us as bimbos who KNOW something. That’s worth the outrageous price we had to pay to fly into Seattle. If you don’t know any good-looking people, see if you can find any halfway decent-looking people and use them. Still having trouble? Step away from the premenstrual bongo group or Star Trek convention attendees you’re hanging out with. Bam! Immediate gratification. This is also a good time to use that money you saved by not buying an iPhone, and renting an escort with it. Trust me, in Vegas, no one’s gonna notice. If you simply hate all other people and want to be alone, spam the crap out of the engines.
2. Become known for something unique, especially involving color. Whether it’s Rand’s yellow shoes or Mikkel’s red-orange suit, find a niche and fill it. Get a catchy name like evilgreenmonkey. Fake a different accent at each conference, making sure to learn the actual words for different colors in several languages. Drink only violently pink drinks and insist on them being garnished with turquoise paper umbrellas. Don’t try and fit in for god’s sake. We have enough drones in the world of technology. Eventually, people are going to notice you and want to know more about you. Consequently, they’re going to seek you out and maybe even stalk you. It’s just like high school. If this doesn’t seem like something you’re up to, spam the ever-living hell out of the engines.
3. Get an expense account and buy people drinks and/or dinner. No one is opposed to being treated to a Tom Jones performance either. If this is impossible, kill off that lingering old relative who’s named you in his or her will as the sole beneficiary of a really nice fortune. If you don’t have any money, stay away from the rest of us because we don’t want to always be buying everything. If you do happen to be wealthy, I am exceptionally friendly, funny, and able to accept free drinks and food with the utmost grace and style. If you’re REALLY wealthy, I can also arrange for my husband to meet with an unfortunate accident. No financial future? I’ve got something you can invest in. Spam.
4. Get a job with Google. If that is impossible due to the fact that you have no credentials to speak of and have just gotten out of federal prison, take a cue from fellow former inmate Martha Stewart and make a homemade Google shirt to wear to all the conferences. The Googlers get the girls, let me tell you. If pretending to work for Google seems like too high a goal and you’re up to the challenge of pretending to be even more dense than everyone thinks you are, pretend to work for MSN. Please note that no girl is going home with you because you say you work for MSN though. Guys might, if you’re into that. If you’re above a charade, crank up your spaminator.
5. Start a fight with anyone who disagrees with you. This can be done online (good) and in person (even better!) and can really make your reputation. People, especially SEOs, really enjoy controversy and I can tell you that when DaveN starts blasting Brett Tabke, I am on it like stink on a pig. I am currently willing to get into a display of fisticuffs with anyone who thinks that Green Day is a true punk band. Don’t be nice when you’re fighting either. That’s boring, and I can watch Masterpiece Theatre and see a glove slap. Yell out some curses too. Everyone likes cursing. In the spirit of fighting, throw some spam out there too for Matt to fight.
Anita, was this supposed to be serious?
And now, you’re IT! Hands up all those who are really tired of my IT puns! Warning: if you people don’t do this I’m sending the Viking after you.
Jay Young: your topic is 5 Ways to Get Sites to Link to You.
Danielle Winfield: your topic is 5 Design Mistakes Made by SEOs.
Ciaran Norris: your topic is 5 Hottest Guys in UK SEO.
Ekrum Ashgar: your topic is 5 Best Cities for SEO Conferences.
Ylayn Ousley: your topic is 5 Hottest Guys in European SEO.
