How To Act Right in Vegas

Since some of you may be going to PubCon and staying at the very posh Wynn (the hotel of choice for the SEO Chicks minus one), I thought I’d take this opportunity to give you some pointers and let you all learn from my past experience.

To properly enjoy your stay, please keep the following in mind, especially whilst inebriated. I might suggest laminating a copy of this post to carry with you at all times, in fact, as a plastic covering will keep the tips from being soaked with the copious amounts of alcohol that you’ll most likely be drinking. And spilling.

1. The Wynn really is a posh place. Public drunkenness is everywhere in Vegas, but at the Wynn, you’re likely to be escorted away quietly by scary large men in dark suits. Stay in groups of at least 4 when drinking large quantities (and may I recommend the Sidecar as a quite lovely drink?) so that, if you’re the victim of the aforementioned quiet escort, someone can remind you of it for the rest of your life. Plus you need witnesses.

2. Ah, the Sidecar. This drink caused me to loudly speak about my sexual preferences to people that I later encountered professionally and it caused someone who shall remain unnamed to get so insane that a wheelchair was almost stolen whilst its owner was standing up out of it, innocently filling out a form at the desk. Her response when I said “good god woman, what are you thinking?” was something to the tune of “well he’s not using it right now!” The Sidecar is deathly strong, and if you see someone drinking them one after the other, don’t think “well hell, let her keep going. At this rate she’ll pass out soon!” because no, she freaking won’t. She’ll get you thrown out of a bar later on is what she’ll do. Beware the Sidecar.

3. Beware of going to nice dinners with people that you don’t know well. When the check arrives, they’re sure to excuse themselves to go to the loo and never show up again. If you are going to dinner with a large group, try Taco Bell.

4. If a lady, or an SEO Chick, drags you out onto the dance floor, do not, I repeat DO NOT, abandon her and say something lame in a wheedling tone like “I just really want to drink my beer!” This is really ungentlemanly behavior. If you happen to be female and one of us drags you out, well enjoy it and ask us if we like jazz. Also if this is all going on, don’t ask the DJ to play Kraftwerk because he’s never heard of them and that’ll just piss you off. This happened to me, courtesy of Ekrum Ashgar and the worst DJ ever, whose name I wish I’d obtained so I could slam him constantly.

5. Do not tell any strippers your hotel and room number and then become surprised when they show up.

6. When enjoying a buffet, do not attempt to rearrange the tables.
The staff doesn’t like this for some reason, and they’ll yell at you. Also in this same vein, do not attempt to “get your money’s worth” and then go drinking and puke all over everyone. Seeing veal once is bad enough, but seeing it twice? I shudder to think.

7. Do not let the Chanel salesgirl make you believe that yes, $2000 isn’t that bad for a handbag. It IS that bad. It’s freaking NUTS. Especially since said bag is purple.

8. Do not get into a pizza delivery car/security vehicle thinking that it’s a cab. However, IF you do, pay the driver a few bucks if he’ll take you somewhere. More than likely, he’s gonna get you there faster than a Vegas cab driver would. Um, I have attempted this BUT Lisa takes the cake here because she wasn’t stopped by a friendly Irish drunk first like I was.

9. Do not be afraid to use your cleavage to get free truffles at the chocolate shop in the mall across the street from the Wynn. I wasn’t afraid to use my friend’s cleavage for this purpose, to the tune of 12 free truffles! Embarrassing behavior on my part, but it certainly isn’t the first time and I sure know it won’t be the last. If he’d appeared to simply be a man who enjoyed slightly built red-haired women who make witty remarks about SEO, I wouldn’t have pimped her out like I did. Still, free truffles!! Obviously I was party to this travesty and I am still mortified by it, but it worked.

10. Don’t act like a jerk in general. Don’t go around asking people “are you somebody?” in a really obnoxious tone, or you’ll probably get beaten down by a man in a kilt. Don’t suck up to the SEOMozzers just because you think they’ll buy you dinner (they will try!) and don’t, under any circumstances, ask a redhead if the carpet matches the drapes, unless you are seriously into being punched in the face by a girl.

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26 Responses to “How To Act Right in Vegas”

  1. You know, seeing as how I’ll be handing out free truffles don’t go encouraging the cleevage thing :p I’m insecure enough without women with better bodies *AND* cleevage pressing them in to the chocolates to get a few more :D

    Like the tips – I do strawberry daquiris and see how much of the whipped cream I can get off the straw by… never mind *blush*

    SEE YOU ALL SOON!!

  2. Stephanie says:

    I knew I should have practiced drinking before this conference!

    I love these tips, I am completely terrified out of my mind. :)

  3. Julie Joyce says:

    Be afraid. Be scared. Stephanie, you better find us and hang out quite a bit or else I’ll send Lisa after you…

  4. Dave Davis says:

    HAHAHA, brilliant! In fairness, us Europeans have had a little longer to learn how to behave ourselves when in wild state.

    Stephanie, I wouldn’t worry. The Hilton have a dedicated staff to take intoxicated guests to their room and drop them at their doorstep. ;)

  5. Julie Joyce says:

    Yes I had to be assisted by the aforementioned drunk Irishman at the last London SEO I attended…oddly enough his name was Mick. He prevented me from getting into a security car after I was convinced it was my cab. I still have his “what kind of taxi company is named Security?” yell ringing in my head.

  6. Dave Davis says:

    Nice way to lose credibility on your blog Julie. A drunk Irish man named Mick? I’m sorry, I have to call you out on that one. There is NO SUCH THING.

  7. Julie Joyce says:

    Ha!!! I swear that was his name. I think it was his name. Was I even there? Crap. Maybe I dreamt it. This is also the night when Mike Nott told us to mingle and Anita and I approached a man who looked lonely and he thought we were prostitutes and said, shakily, “this is just my local!”

  8. Dave Davis says:

    LMAO! That’s hilarious! Remind me to stay away from all women in Vegas wearing bright green t-shirts. I’m not getting asked to leave Vegas again. Next time they might not be so polite.

  9. Julie Joyce says:

    Yeah Vegas is going to be amazing.

  10. Stephanie says:

    Is anyone going to any of the shows?

  11. Julie Joyce says:

    I don’t know of anyone with concrete plans to do anything really…anyone else know?

  12. Dave Davis says:

    Still waiting on a reply from Joe on the bloggers night out tickets, but will certainly try get in spamalot (how appropriate) or a cirque show in on the Monday night.

  13. Julie Joyce says:

    Cirque shows are good IF you aren’t hung over and tired. I went to see one last year, in Vegas, with a group of fellow SEOs, all of whom fell asleep for the most expensive naps ever.

  14. Stephanie says:

    Im going to Spamalot …got my e-mail from Joe this morning. Im excited!!

  15. I’m envious Stephanie! I asked to go to either Ka or Mystere on the Tuesday (a friend agreed to chaperone me Monday so I won’t ditch him :) layyydeeee that I am ;) *titters*) but have not heard anything. That makes a cabbit sad :(

    Julie – I can’t wait to hook up with ya… errrr.. meet you in Vegas again for the first time. You know what? I’m going to the vampires (fasting blood test) and drinking coffee before attempting any further communications :D

  16. I thought people are supposed to kiss up to us by buying US dinner!

  17. Julie Joyce says:

    Yes they are. But they aren’t always that bright…

  18. Jane says:

    I have another. It’s an oldie, but a goodie: Don’t come up to someone, say “I read your blog,” and then just stand there. Staying nothing. We have no idea what to say. “Um… I’m glad someone does?”

  19. Jane says:

    *That would be, “saying nothing.”

  20. Julie Joyce says:

    I always say “Um, I’m glad someone does” too. It seems to work well. Actually no one’s ever come to me and said that…damn it!

  21. Mike Nott says:

    LOL, number 10 is the classic.

    I wonder if the cock in question (N!& P@^&) remembers getting slammed against the wall in such classic style by J.

    One of the greatest SEO moments ever in history. :-)

  22. Julie Joyce says:

    I doubt it. It really was a classic…even if I was “asleep” in my hotel room when it happened.

  23. Mike Nott says:

    “asleep in your hotel room” – hahahhahahha

    If anyone wishes to check the Sheraton New York video footage from that night, they may find a very interesting clip of a certain inhibriated young red-head being carried fireman-style through the lobby. :-)

  24. Julie Joyce says:

    Mike I assure you that no one knows what you’re talking about. Inebriated redhead? Please. There’s never been such a thing.

  25. g1smd says:

    Heh, can you get word to Mike Nott and Rob Kerry that londonseo.org seems to have been taken over yesterday?

    The site now houses a fake directory and it tries to download some sort of exploit if anything is clicked.

  26. g1smd says:

    The londonseo.org site seems to be back on and working again.

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