My friend Gene just pointed me to a very amusing (perhaps unintentionally so) piece on the push to change the perspective of typical IT workers away from unsociable geeks to vibrant and hot women. OK the author didn’t really put it like that…but still, you get the idea. The IT industry is apparently suffering from nerdy and unsociable man overkill (so is the comic book shop across the street) and is doing its best to show the employable public that IT jobs can indeed be sexy.
So how can we band together and ensure that the SEO industry becomes as saturated with hot babes as the heavy metal industry is saturated with hairy, ugly men who need not wear leather chaps on stage? I have 5 ideas…
1. Don’t simply place your job opening in the standard professional areas; print out some hot pink flyers and tack them up in the girls’ loo at all the local “see and be seen” bars, especially ones that are famous for serving cute little fruit martinis. This is a good way to get some seriously hot chicks into your office, and even if the interview goes as poorly as you know it will, hey, at least there’s a babe giving you the time of day for once.
2. Instead of those bulky and unflattering conference tshirts (but not the BOTW ones! those rule) that some of us (Jay) are particularly fond of wearing, let’s give away makeup kits. I mean really, if you’re a hot woman and you have to sit through a lecture about how to get started on Facebook, at least make use of the time and keep the permagrin looking nice. You’ll need to look good afterwards, too, when all the dorks come up to you and start talking to you about meta tags and you can’t let them see you sweat simply because you have no idea what a meta tag is. Thongs with your company’s name emblazoned upon them are a good second choice. Hot women love this kind of shit.
3. Alter your benefits package. Don’t want to give a hot female employee more than 10 days off per year? Well who can blame you? Office morale would deteriorate. Instead, how about adding something like “the chance to star in SEO Girls Gone Wild videos” to the employee handbook? What hot chick will turn THAT down? If these videos sell well, you may even be able to cut out dental insurance (just don’t make the mistake of discontinuing coverage for breast augmentations and lip injections). Hot women age, you know, and they droop. Invest in their future.
4. Promote a universal loosening up of office dress codes. Sure, we have casual Fridays, but that simply isn’t enough these days. What about Mammary Gland Mondays, Tramp Stamp Tuesdays, Whale Tail Wednesdays, Thong Thursdays, and Freedom Fridays? Give a hot woman the chance to express herself through fashion, and you’ve earned her respect. Why should push up bras and tacky fuschia patent leather heels be confined to weekend wear?
5. Rebrand SEO as SEXO. This automatically titillates. I can barely type that without laughing. No one knows what the fuck SEO stands for anyway, so adding the X isn’t going to hurt a bit. Plus, it makes hot women seem hotter, because they’re being PAID to do something that conjures up something they can do even if they could honestly be outwitted by a bagged salad.
I’d love to be indignant about all of this, as it’s been awhile since I’ve actually truly been indignant about something other than the fennel stew I was reduced to eating in Durham because they couldn’t be arsed to save any damn carrots. However, I really can’t be, because the more women who take a job in IT because they think the field is sexy, the smarter I’m going to look. Pretty soon, if we’re overrun with women who are in the field because it gets them dates, I’ll be able to royally screw up and still look like a nuclear physicist. I’m all for it!
And here’s the fun disclaimer, since some people don’t really “get” irony: this isn’t a serious piece. Well, the part about the comic book store being overrun with nerdy men IS serious but most of the other stuff, not so much. So don’t send me any freaking hate mail, or tell me how hot women have brains too. Look who I’m freaking blogging with. I know hot women have brains, so save it.