The Long Cold Wintery Days of SEO

Long, cold winters often lead to baby booms 9 months later. During the winter, lovers have no other distractions to prevent them from showing off their bedroom prowess. Of course, each lover’s prowess is probably a measure of how many winters the lover has lived through, and how many times he’s been allowed to show off.

His mastery of the love-making process can generally be broken down into three primary stages:

  1. Stage One: Awkward, clumsy, bumbling idiot
  2. Stage Two: By the book, paint by numbers, gets it technically right
  3. Stage Three: Smooth operator, graceful, accomplished, expert

The long, cold wintery days hold the same lures for SEOs. Trapped inside, bundled in warm, fuzzy pajamas or long-johns, the SEO prepares to strut his stuff. The goal: to seduce a bot into believing he holds the key to its spider-heart. Unfortunately, his mastery of the SEO process can be broken down into the same three primary stages as the lover.

  1. Stage One: Awkward, clumsy, bumbling idiot. His mistakes are many, and he fails to satisfy the bot, time and time again. Rankings are non-existant, and traffic is just a trickle of accidental visitors.
  2. Stage Two: By the book, paint by numbers, gets it technically right. While the SEO does an acceptable job of making the bot happy, he only does so by spending an inordinate amount of time as he checks and double-checks his mile-long lists of to-dos, and dont-dos. The process was lengthy and resulted in boring, but technically correct copy. Rankings are just ok. Traffic is mediocre, but promising.
  3. Stage Three: Smooth operator, graceful, accomplished, expert. The SEO has enough notches in his belt to optimize mindlessly. He simply uses his vast experience to glide through the process like silk brushing softly over the little bot’s spidey legs. The natural ease creates great rankings, both short and long tail, and traffic is steady and heavy.

Morals of the story:

  • Practice makes perfect.
  • Prowess is as much about art as it is about skill.
  • No one seduces anything in long-johns.

(Note: I used the male version of lovers and SEOs in this little tale because they are the most likely to try to show off non-existant prowess during Stage 1. The female version would differ somewhat, but I’ll leave that tale for another day.)

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7 Responses to “The Long Cold Wintery Days of SEO”

  1. “No one seduces anything in long-johns.”

    ….or socks according to my missus….

  2. Awesome! Very cute, Donna.

  3. Ah..the bots are a harsh mistress…

  4. oh great. I need Eric to come home from work NOW!

  5. Lauren says:

    Practice definitely makes perfect :)

  6. Yup, practice makes perfect. But when it comes to handling client’s website, we shouldn’t be practicing. :-D

  7. Justin Parks says:

    Love the site and the concept ladies. Enoyed reading this account of how to treat a bot, definately definately true. Problem is, it all depends on the mood of the bot as well! Hence the reason we all need to keep practising I suppose.

    Im pretty sure I fluxuate between levels 2 and 3 and if I reckon im super cool number three then im pretty sure the bot will soon wise me up.

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