Well, not entirely. IAC has announced that Ask is going to move in a different, but familiar direction.

Step 1:
Lay off 40 employees (8%) of Ask staff

Step 2:
Gear your engine to marred women above 30 living in the Midwestern and Southern US

Step 3:
Bring back the question format – but have it only answer questions about recipes, hobbies, crafting and your kids

Step 4:
Remove Jeeves from carbonite

Step 5:
PROFIT!!!!! . . . . or cease to exist

Maybe they’ll have Jeeves wear a sock puppet next

Ah, another meme, that lovely bit of viral marketing that gets you up off your arse and forces you to write!

I was tagged by Chris Hambly, social media god…if you’ve not yet read his blog, do so. Not only will you get useful industry information, you’ll also get some nice commentary on the state of affairs in England. My topic is 8 Random Things About Me, which is truly perfect since I am nothing if not random.

1. I am deathly afraid of alligators, crocodiles, and sharks, even though I never go anywhere near them unless they’re properly put up away from me. They scare me so badly that I have nightmares about them maybe once a week. If I ever fall into the middle of the ocean or a swamp in Louisiana, I’ll die of shock before anything eats me luckily. If I lived in Florida, I wouldn’t even have a pet door in case some 8 feet long alligator would come in and I’d get up in the middle of the night and step over it, not wearing my glasses, thinking it was one of my dogs.

2. I would never transport Dracula at night or eat candy apples, coconut, or mayonnaise. All those things are just foolhardy. Actually, I may add fennel to that list, after having what was basically fennel stew with a raw egg on top of it at some posh place in Durham, NC.

3. I have never had a cavity…neither has my father or my paternal grandmother. My dentist HATES me and it’s not just because I told him that his hygienist should have his salary since he does f%&^ all. He also has silly facial hair.

4. Drawing a perpendicular to things makes more sense to me than drawing a parallel. It’s also really confusing to bystanders to say “well let me draw a perpendicular to it for you” and then that’s just free comedy. It’s the main reason why I sometimes say things like “hooray, hooray the cat lives!” when someone asks the time.

5. I assume that when I don’t know someone’s last name, it must actually be Spivey. It’s highly unlikely, statistically speaking, but still…what an awesome freaking surname.

6. I’d really like to own chickens and raise them as pets (with the proper paid help naturally and a state of the art chicken coop that is built in the same Victorian style as my house), and maybe walk one (at a time, or else it would be nuts) on a leash down the street. People would get out of your freaking way if you had a Rhode Island Red on a damn leash wouldn’t they? They could live out back with the dogs and I’d walk outside past them and gesture towards them grumpily saying “chickens here” like Tim Roth did when he played van Gogh. Unfortunately, a giant bloodhound makes everyone on the planet want to stop to talk to you. A chicken? Not so much.

7. If I like a song, I’ll listen to it over and over and over again until I’ve heard it so much, I can’t stand it any more and don’t listen to it for about a year. This is why I hate so much music. Currently I’m doing this with Say Hi’s “Let’s Talk About Spaceships” and F.U.’s “Young, Fast Iranians.”

8. I think that a boxed Chef Boyardee pizza mix is truly one of life’s ultimate pleasures. However, I’ll only make one if no one else is home, lest I have to share it. Everyone makes fun of the Chef, yet their hands are out with plates when you start dishing it out.

And here we go with the “tag, you’re it” bit…
Gene Wicker Jr.
Shana Albert aka The Nanny
Nic and Cher (yes both of them–they are both so freaking cute)
Any one of the SEO Blokes, all of whom are morons, none of whom ever write
Jonathan Pritchard-Barrett

Schoolkids Records in Chapel Hill, NC is closing, after 33 years in business. Apparently the store isn’t getting enough foot traffic, which is insanely difficult to believe considering it’s on the main drag of a massive university town that has a thriving music scene. There was little competition here as far as I can tell, but somehow they’re unable to survive even in the midst of over 30,000 college kids who, by all acounts, listen to music quite a bit. I guess the problem is that these kids aren’t actually BUYING anything in stores. Whether you can blame the high prices of CDs or the ease with which people can quickly download the music that they want, brick and mortar record shops are quickly crumbling. (cough)

I wrote a post awhile back about how the indie music scene didn’t need SEO…my point was that independent music was, so far, mostly disconnected from mass media coverage and, as such, remained true to its very spirit. In this post, I stated that people should personally get up off their arses and seek out new music by actively searching for it without going online, by getting their music news through word of mouth, or by showing up at the local punk rock club for a night.

As I was moaning about Schoolkids closing, even though I haven’t shopped there since 1995 and that was to buy a cheap poster, I started to think about something: has our industry actually been a contributing factor to the demise of my beloved physical record shops? I freaking think so (at least I do at THIS moment) and here is why:

If you do a search for most bands, and let’s take Grinderman as an example since I am such a Nick Cave fan (although I can’t tell my mom the name of their new single (like she’d ask) since it’s got a dirty word in it that rhymes with wussy), you’ll likely see tons of results for their videos on YouTube, their MySpace page, their Wikipedia entry, their Amazon listing, and their actual website if they happen to have one. Nick is well represented in the SERPs, to summarize. You can hear and watch the videos for free, and you can listen to new releases for free. If you happen to buy from iTunes, you can quickly grab a digital song or album and the whole thing’s done in less than a minute. Gone are the days when you accidentally buy an Assuck cd because it was mistakenly put into the Avail section, the store was closing, and you ignored the record clerk who said, looking at your other purchase of The Smiths, “boy you’re all over the place aren’t you!” Your main concern now is that when you got the download of The Mission’s Deliverance, it was actually Tower of Strength which you don’t really like and now you’re out 99 cents. Record shops are closing because of people like you. And me…ok and yes, the photo of Grinderman is only necessary in order to show you how insanely cool Nick Cave is. Sorry.

Seriously, why would you leave the house and go out, in PUBLIC, to risk the flu and ebola and lice and panhandling punk rock kids with $100 nose rings, not to mention having to be chatted up by an overweight and unwashed college dropout wearing a faded and hole-ridden Pixies tshirt who only works at the record store to meet chicks that look like Kim Deal and get a 10% discount on bumper stickers, when you could sit at home in your salt-bagel-encrusted chair and stay safe? Thus, you order online and this record store clerk gets fired, the store owner tries to keep the shop open by showcasing crappy local bands until the landlord sues him for back rent and the only bands they can book are ABC and The Lick Stick (ok I made that one up), and then it all truly goes straight to hell and the next time you show up for your used record fix, you’re greeted by a giant padlock on the door.

When I saw Polyphonic Spree a few months back, the lead singer made a great statement at the end about buying their t-shirts and robes (yes, robes and let me just say YIKES) because they didn’t make a lot of money on CDs anymore and needed the support. Whether or not that’s true isn’t my concern of course. I like the idea behind finding other ways to keep these artists going. He also pleaded with the audience, in his cultlike manner, to support other bands as well by going to shows and buying their assorted rubbish there. For the record (HA!!), I did not buy a robe from P. Spree, since that would just be stupid. I did, however, buy a tshirt in a wildly unflattering shade of light blue.

It’ all evolution, of course, but it does make me a bit sad. This certainly won’t mean the end of music, of course…just maybe the end of walking into a store and spending hours poring over the bins to find something amazing. And what I do for a living is partially to blame.

Ch ch ch ch changes…

It was a dark and stormy night.  Somewhere in Pakistan, a turmoil was brewing.  ‘These search results must be stopped!  They are offensive!  BAN YOUTUBE NOW!’

Sensing urgency, the various responsible parties requested an urgent and immediate ban on YouTube redirecting all requests to a holding page.  Job done, they went back to whatever other important things they were doing.

Winging its way across the internet, the ban request was taken up as urgent on a Sunday.  At an odd hour of the day.  Coherence was not necessarily present but urgency was understood.  The ban spread.

Time marched on (as it does).  Chocolate and other terms previously graced with universal search results lost them.  No more YouTube meant no video results.  Sadness was spreading across the world.

The ban spread and people with nothing better to do than visit YouTube by doing a search on the name in Google instead of typing the URL in the browser window entered the fray.  Cue me searching for stuff for a talk…

Wha…?  An SEO using Google search instead of typing the proper URL in to the browser address bar?  Fear not, dear readers, I was not just being lazy!  I was just trying to find a universal search result for a talk I’m giving to some journalists on writing for search and I couldn’t find any video results.  Honest!  Even my beloved chocolate universal search result was sadly missing

BUT WAIT!  Patience is a virtue and so I sat and I waited and I sat and I got a coffee and I sat and I waited and I wrote a bit more and LO AND BEHOLD it was BACK!

*phew*
That was close!
Just goes to show you – when someone requests something, don’t just rubber stamp it no matter who requested it!

I would have included the actual ‘chocolate’ USR but the second image was… well, the guys reading this blog would have appreciated it I’m sure

Top 5 Reasons Why You Should Drink For Charity:

1. Drinking is fun, and since it is for charity, it is more than a networking opportunity, it is a write-off.

2.Chance to see your favorite male SEO’s wear women’s clothing

3. You actually get to help choose what charity gets the money – SO VOTE NOW AND VOTE OFTEN

4. This event is OPEN TO ANYONE! You don’t need to be a rockstar or spend $1M with Google to get an invite.

5. Where else are you going to drink as much as you can for only $40 in NYC?

6. You get to hang out with me ( Okay so I can’t count)

Actual Details

IM-NY is holding its semi-annual Charity Event, and thanks to some of the coolest guys I know, all proceeds go to charity. Which charity you ask? Well that is up to you, so get your vote on http://botw.org/helpcenter/sesny08_charity.aspx and decide who gets the cash.

This event is open to ANYONE! $40 gets you open bar and snacks from 8pm-midnight at the Black Finn NY. This will likely sell out, so if you are interested in coming, shoot me an e-mail (Lauren [at] lvlogic [dot] com) and I’ll put you on the guest list – just remember to bring your money. There will also be a raffle with some great prizes that I’ll tell you about before the event gets closer.

UPDATE: It has come to my attention that this post looks rather weird if you’re viewing it through a feedreader. So don’t. Click through, I tell you!

To start, I’d like a show of hands. Who uses Gmail? I hope everyone in the room has their hand up at the moment, because Gmail is one of my favourite things in all the world. It has its problems, it’s had is security flaws, but it has always treated me very well. Believe me: I’ve been around the block when it comes to email providers. I was a long-time user of Yahoo! and I was also one of Yahoo! Mail’s more loyal fans. Y! Mail just wouldn’t do all the things I wanted it to, and its constant badgering that I should “upgrade” to its newer version drove me nuts. The newer version also made me want to put a fork through my face. About two years ago, I beat out all the other Jane Coplands and snapped up a desirable Gmail address. It was heavenly.

However, there is always a little price to pay for lovely free things, and Adsense is that price when it comes to Gmail. Targeted Adsense is always a source of amusement, but it’s even more amusing when it thinks its targeting your personal emails.

I was going to just post screen shots of the ads that have made me laugh, but this would be far more interesting as an interactive game. There are no prizes for doing well… I’d promise to send you an SEO Chicks tee-shirt but I have no control over such things and I don’t want to get in to trouble with Lisa.

Honestly, I know you come here to learn. But you can learn all you like next week at SMX West, or by reading the recaps. Thus, I present to you, Jane’s Amusing Gmail Adsense Game.

Question 1:

Question 2:

Hi, CK! Just making sure you noticed.

Question 3:

Question 4:

There is no question associated with this advertisement. I believe it speaks for itself.

Question 5:

Question 6:

Question 7:

Question 8:

In all seriousness, you sometimes cringe when you think about the content with which your ads might be associated.

However, that was fun, wasn’t it? You have no idea how long it took me to make those polls not mess up the pictures’ alignment, so please look grateful. Have a nice Sunday and see some of you next week in Santa Clara!

For those about to take on clients, I salute you. Because honestly, many of them suck (all present clients excluded, naturally.)

The key to effective SEO, and keeping a client, is knowing how to avoid the common pitfalls of SEO-client misinterpretation. I speak from experience and, being a giver, just want to spare you some agony. This information is especially helpful for those optimistic new people who think they can “make a difference”…poor things. Also, it’s been a slow week for my brain so I apologize for not tackling something news-worthy or actually interesting. If you’re looking for that go somewhere else.

Client says…”Yes we’ll give you whatever you need, so just ask!” This is usually said in a very chirpy tone by someone completely unauthorized to give you anything at all that you could possibly need in order to do a damned thing. Ask for identification before believing this.

Interpretation: No, we feckin’ won’t. You can still ask though! That shows interest in doing a halfway decent job and honestly, that’s all that matters. Especially when you’re seriously incompetent and/or just plain lazy.

Client says…”Our budget is unlimited so spend whatever it takes.” Normally this is said by a man in a suit who doesn’t think that it’s going to cost him more than a few hundred dollars, if that. Boy is he going to be surprised when his credit card gets hit, especially if you’ve used it accidentally on Amazon. Whoops!

Interpretation: If you spend more than a few hundred dollars, we’re going to come down on you like the wrath of God. We may even attempt to make YOU foot the bill for this highly unauthorized expenditure, especially if it didn’t immediately bring us an asston of sales.

Client says…”We just want to be number one at all times.” This tends to be said in a smug manner with the client giving you that “keep your pecker up” look.

Interpretation: Um, they usually actually mean this one unfortunately.

Client says…”We don’t understand why we rank lower than this bastard who is so obviously doing something underhanded and most likely is killing grannies in his spare time.” This tends to be said by people with really masculine names who do a bit of fist-slamming on the conference table to emphasize their points.

Interpretation: Find and kill the bastard. He’s obviously cloaking, spamming, and has irrelevant content so wipe the earth with his ass. Then sit back and wait for him to find you.

Client says…”Yes I understand. That makes perfect sense.” Usually this is said by just about anyone who doesn’t know anything at all about SEO and is amazed that anything exists outside his realm of the Wall Street Journal.

Interpretation: No I don’t have a freaking clue what you’re talking about but I do plan on sueing you the first chance I get. Possibly for massive fraud.

Client says…”We’ll give you the keys to the kingdom if we see some good early results.” Again, this tends to be said by the guys who nod a lot and like to frequent strip clubs at lunch.

Interpretation: We’ll dangle those keys in front of you like a van-driving serial killer uses a puppy to tempt his next victim. This never ends well.

Client says…”We don’t care about rankings.” This is such a pat phrase that it could be said by the office janitor who heard it said on CSI Miami.

Interpretation: If we aren’t number one, we’re gonna ride your ass like a jockey. And not in a good way, either so wipe that smile off your face. We want to be number one, we want our traffic to quadruple, and if our sales don’t go through the roof you’re going to get a few daily phone calls from us you cun…sorry. This one tends to really hit home with me, especially since I don’t tend to get my clients anywhere NEAR number one. I like to keep them guessing. Gives me a bit of power.

Now, if I could just figure out how to interpret my fellow SEOs…

We couldn’t leave Stephanie out of another Photoshop job…thanks Gene!!

Um, and click on it so that you can actually see us…

We would like to wish all of our readers a very happy, prosperous, and healthy 2008. As we celebrate in different corners of the world, I think it will be fair to say, that we are all genuinely excited about the year ahead.

Thank you for all your amazing support in 2007 - stick with us in the new year and we promise not to disappoint.

Make sure to set you new year’s goals - make them specific, measurable and all encompassing - that’s the only way you’ll know if you have a achieved them at the end of the year!

Here’s to a great 2008!!!

Editor’s Note: after reading this and having a friend comment that it didn’t flow, I’d like to say that the whole point I’m trying to make here is that you shouldn’t listen to all the people who tell you what not to do. I apologize in advance. This post kind of sucks but it IS my turn.

What are words for, when no one listens anymore? (Missing Persons reference. I’m sure you caught it.)

There’s a fairly inane little article in MarketingProfs about 100 words you shouldn’t use in an email subject line, although it’s not much more than a list without any explanation of why these words are so bad. I can’t be arsed to test whether or not certain subject lines will really get your email blocked though, even though I may write to Mythbusters to see what they can do. What’s the SEO angle on this? Obviously there are plenty of ways of getting around the rules, which we all know a lot about and that’s a good thing. So there you go…and here you go.

Obviously you know that there are certain words that you can’t use in Google Adwords, for example. For such a totalitarian group of fascists (and yes I really am using some hyperbole), they aren’t all that fond of superlatives. They’re also not fond of ads for gambling but I know plenty of people who’ve gotten around that, at least for a bit before they get caught, so here is why you should completely ignore yet another so-called rule: this is all a game to see who can last the longest.

Being somewhat argumentative, yet still a delicate flower, I tend to want to do whatever someone tells me not to do. Immediately, usually. It’s childish, I’ll admit, but the minute I am prohibited from doing something, I have an overwhelming urge to do it, especially if it involves cursing or drinking or spending money (what are commonly referred to as my three graces.) The web is chock full of blogs and sites telling you what not to do, and that’s all fine and lovely and beatific BUT it’s also geared towards the mainstream people who follow the rules without question.

I really do have a point here, I promise.

Following rules is definitely a good thing in many instances. If something is for the greater good, then I’ll do it if I can keep my dress on. There’s a fine line, though, and the fear-mongering that we see online is really wreaking havoc on the way that so many people conduct their online business. I understand the argument against cloaking, for example, but I still think it’s fine in many cases. And really, who’s been mutilated and left for dead by a cloaked page? You may have been misled but if being misled is the worst thing that ever happens to you, my congratulations. You’re an ass-ton luckier than anyone else.

So why do we have such an overwhelming amount of advice about how to stay orderly and look at the back of the neck of the person in front of you? Nothing good can come of that, I assure you. Just keep your minds open when you read this crap (and when you read the crap we write too.) I’d be in less of a mood if I were writing this and listening to something other than Sisters of Mercy but really, I get quite sick of constantly reading about all the things we shouldn’t do or say, especially when there is no explanation offered. I guess you can’t really argue when someone doesn’t give you an explanation…is that the point then? Do it. Follow the rules, don’t question them. Feck arse.

The good thing about this whole mess is that it does tend to make people get a bit more creative…black hats wouldn’t be nearly as cool if they weren’t subverting the dominant paradigm you know. I mean seriously, Esrun is only interesting to me because I know what he can do. OK that’s a joke…his deviance is fascinating too. You think John Lydon follows the rules? Yes I know he’s annoying. OH! Irrelevant but where else can I interject this? I’m off Adam Ant after seeing him cry in the video for “Wonderful.” What grown man cries in a video? I am so embarrassed, I can’t even link to it.