Editor’s Note: after reading this and having a friend comment that it didn’t flow, I’d like to say that the whole point I’m trying to make here is that you shouldn’t listen to all the people who tell you what not to do. I apologize in advance. This post kind of sucks but it IS my turn.

What are words for, when no one listens anymore? (Missing Persons reference. I’m sure you caught it.)

There’s a fairly inane little article in MarketingProfs about 100 words you shouldn’t use in an email subject line, although it’s not much more than a list without any explanation of why these words are so bad. I can’t be arsed to test whether or not certain subject lines will really get your email blocked though, even though I may write to Mythbusters to see what they can do. What’s the SEO angle on this? Obviously there are plenty of ways of getting around the rules, which we all know a lot about and that’s a good thing. So there you go…and here you go.

Obviously you know that there are certain words that you can’t use in Google Adwords, for example. For such a totalitarian group of fascists (and yes I really am using some hyperbole), they aren’t all that fond of superlatives. They’re also not fond of ads for gambling but I know plenty of people who’ve gotten around that, at least for a bit before they get caught, so here is why you should completely ignore yet another so-called rule: this is all a game to see who can last the longest.

Being somewhat argumentative, yet still a delicate flower, I tend to want to do whatever someone tells me not to do. Immediately, usually. It’s childish, I’ll admit, but the minute I am prohibited from doing something, I have an overwhelming urge to do it, especially if it involves cursing or drinking or spending money (what are commonly referred to as my three graces.) The web is chock full of blogs and sites telling you what not to do, and that’s all fine and lovely and beatific BUT it’s also geared towards the mainstream people who follow the rules without question.

I really do have a point here, I promise.

Following rules is definitely a good thing in many instances. If something is for the greater good, then I’ll do it if I can keep my dress on. There’s a fine line, though, and the fear-mongering that we see online is really wreaking havoc on the way that so many people conduct their online business. I understand the argument against cloaking, for example, but I still think it’s fine in many cases. And really, who’s been mutilated and left for dead by a cloaked page? You may have been misled but if being misled is the worst thing that ever happens to you, my congratulations. You’re an ass-ton luckier than anyone else.

So why do we have such an overwhelming amount of advice about how to stay orderly and look at the back of the neck of the person in front of you? Nothing good can come of that, I assure you. Just keep your minds open when you read this crap (and when you read the crap we write too.) I’d be in less of a mood if I were writing this and listening to something other than Sisters of Mercy but really, I get quite sick of constantly reading about all the things we shouldn’t do or say, especially when there is no explanation offered. I guess you can’t really argue when someone doesn’t give you an explanation…is that the point then? Do it. Follow the rules, don’t question them. Feck arse.

The good thing about this whole mess is that it does tend to make people get a bit more creative…black hats wouldn’t be nearly as cool if they weren’t subverting the dominant paradigm you know. I mean seriously, Esrun is only interesting to me because I know what he can do. OK that’s a joke…his deviance is fascinating too. You think John Lydon follows the rules? Yes I know he’s annoying. OH! Irrelevant but where else can I interject this? I’m off Adam Ant after seeing him cry in the video for “Wonderful.” What grown man cries in a video? I am so embarrassed, I can’t even link to it.

Since some of you may be going to PubCon and staying at the very posh Wynn (the hotel of choice for the SEO Chicks minus one), I thought I’d take this opportunity to give you some pointers and let you all learn from my past experience.

To properly enjoy your stay, please keep the following in mind, especially whilst inebriated. I might suggest laminating a copy of this post to carry with you at all times, in fact, as a plastic covering will keep the tips from being soaked with the copious amounts of alcohol that you’ll most likely be drinking. And spilling.

1. The Wynn really is a posh place. Public drunkenness is everywhere in Vegas, but at the Wynn, you’re likely to be escorted away quietly by scary large men in dark suits. Stay in groups of at least 4 when drinking large quantities (and may I recommend the Sidecar as a quite lovely drink?) so that, if you’re the victim of the aforementioned quiet escort, someone can remind you of it for the rest of your life. Plus you need witnesses.

2. Ah, the Sidecar. This drink caused me to loudly speak about my sexual preferences to people that I later encountered professionally and it caused someone who shall remain unnamed to get so insane that a wheelchair was almost stolen whilst its owner was standing up out of it, innocently filling out a form at the desk. Her response when I said “good god woman, what are you thinking?” was something to the tune of “well he’s not using it right now!” The Sidecar is deathly strong, and if you see someone drinking them one after the other, don’t think “well hell, let her keep going. At this rate she’ll pass out soon!” because no, she freaking won’t. She’ll get you thrown out of a bar later on is what she’ll do. Beware the Sidecar.

3. Beware of going to nice dinners with people that you don’t know well. When the check arrives, they’re sure to excuse themselves to go to the loo and never show up again. If you are going to dinner with a large group, try Taco Bell.

4. If a lady, or an SEO Chick, drags you out onto the dance floor, do not, I repeat DO NOT, abandon her and say something lame in a wheedling tone like “I just really want to drink my beer!” This is really ungentlemanly behavior. If you happen to be female and one of us drags you out, well enjoy it and ask us if we like jazz. Also if this is all going on, don’t ask the DJ to play Kraftwerk because he’s never heard of them and that’ll just piss you off. This happened to me, courtesy of Ekrum Ashgar and the worst DJ ever, whose name I wish I’d obtained so I could slam him constantly.

5. Do not tell any strippers your hotel and room number and then become surprised when they show up.

6. When enjoying a buffet, do not attempt to rearrange the tables. The staff doesn’t like this for some reason, and they’ll yell at you. Also in this same vein, do not attempt to “get your money’s worth” and then go drinking and puke all over everyone. Seeing veal once is bad enough, but seeing it twice? I shudder to think.

7. Do not let the Chanel salesgirl make you believe that yes, $2000 isn’t that bad for a handbag. It IS that bad. It’s freaking NUTS. Especially since said bag is purple.

8. Do not get into a pizza delivery car/security vehicle thinking that it’s a cab. However, IF you do, pay the driver a few bucks if he’ll take you somewhere. More than likely, he’s gonna get you there faster than a Vegas cab driver would. Um, I have attempted this BUT Lisa takes the cake here because she wasn’t stopped by a friendly Irish drunk first like I was.

9. Do not be afraid to use your cleavage to get free truffles at the chocolate shop in the mall across the street from the Wynn. I wasn’t afraid to use my friend’s cleavage for this purpose, to the tune of 12 free truffles! Embarrassing behavior on my part, but it certainly isn’t the first time and I sure know it won’t be the last. If he’d appeared to simply be a man who enjoyed slightly built red-haired women who make witty remarks about SEO, I wouldn’t have pimped her out like I did. Still, free truffles!! Obviously I was party to this travesty and I am still mortified by it, but it worked.

10. Don’t act like a jerk in general. Don’t go around asking people “are you somebody?” in a really obnoxious tone, or you’ll probably get beaten down by a man in a kilt. Don’t suck up to the SEOMozzers just because you think they’ll buy you dinner (they will try!) and don’t, under any circumstances, ask a redhead if the carpet matches the drapes, unless you are seriously into being punched in the face by a girl.

OK, I pondered on whether or not to post about this, but then the naughty side of me decided that this type of creativity should at least be mentioned - if not showcased…

This morning when I opened my Inbox, I was greeted with one of the most poetic spam Subject lines I have ever come across:

Aaah - they almost managed to make is sound romantic. I know, I know, some of you may be cringing right now, but you have to admit that this is creative at least.

As a marketer, I am constantly noticing things that stand out - ‘purple cows’ - in the words of one of my favorite marketers - Seth Godin.

So here I am presenting to you a lesson in how to make your message stand out of the crowd - ‘purple cow’… hmmm.

I’m super busy doing the finishing touches (erm writing the entire thing) to my presentations for SMX London this week. So I haven’t got time to write a big post, BUT I came across this HILARIOUS term today (actually one of my clients sent it to me, thanks Gavin!).

It would make such a great t-shirt.

So here goes: What do you call a person that is really good at link baiting?

Obviously the t-shirt is just to demonstrate, but if anyone is intrested in one I will add it to our SEO-Chicks t-shirt shop!

I laughed my head off anyway, does that make me a mega geek?

Thanks Gavin for the heads up, genius!