Threats: The New Way To Compete

Ever wanted to get rid of pesky competitors without having to get your hands dirty trying to figure out if they are or are not doing anything that violates Google’s guidelines? Now you can!! Why bother actually reporting them? That takes time, and you could be wrong. Don’t take that risk.

Eliminate the competition using the following three safe methods:

1. The Friendly Email
See a site ahead of you in the rankings? Well get a contact email and send something like the following…

“Hi Bob.

Just wanted to reach out and give you a friendly reminder to make sure that you know EXACTLY what your SEO company is doing. I’ve been reading a lot about how underhanded some of them are, so just ask yours a few questions and make sure that they’re being totally upfront with you. I know a guy who just got his site banned and he had no clue that his SEO was doing some shady stuff.

Have a great day!

Key takeaways:

  • Capitalize on the bad reputation that the SEO industry has. Joan Jett may not care, but everyone else does. Chances are, the guy’s damn SEO is definitely doing something underhanded and shady.
  • Always mention that imaginary friend who’s had his site’s backside smashed by Google. There’s no need for actual facts here. You’re simply trying to be helpful.
  • End with a chipper signoff to drive the point home. You care. If you can, throw in a cute emoticon, especially if it’s a waving smiley face.
  • Happy happy

    This tends to work best with webmasters who:

  • Aren’t technically bright enough to understand what their SEO says.
  • Have been diagnosed with Acute Paranoia.
  • 2. The Gentle Threat
    If you’re exhausted from sending the Friendly Email and nothing’s happening, move on to the Gentle Threat. Just remember to be gentle. There’s no need for tacky behavior here.

    The Gentle Threat works something like this…and feel free to alter the tone if you think you need to be a bit nastier. Some of these assholes don’t listen.

    “Hi Bob.

    It’s Jim again. I really hate to be the one to scare you but a lot of guys in our industry are getting really upset about people using spammy SEO techniques to rank well. I don’t want you to get caught up in this, so you may want to watch out. I wouldn’t bother asking your SEO what he’s doing though. He’ll just make something up and keep taking your money. Just be careful, and watch your back. Even if you aren’t doing anything unethical, getting turned into Google won’t be pretty. I know a guy who had that happen and it took him 2 years to get his site back in.

    Best of luck!

    Key takeaways:

  • Again, it’s good to “know a guy” because a threat feels more real if it’s actually been realized with someone. It could happen to you too!
  • Apologize for being a bit threatening, but make sure the webmaster knows it’s the only way to protect him. You were forced into being an asshole.
  • Exaggerate the time spend straightening out this issue by about 1000%. It’s not like he’s going to look it up.
  • This tends to work best with webmasters who:

  • Didn’t listen to the Friendly Email.
  • Think that having good title tags means he’s spamming the world and breaking the internet.
  • Suffer from Acute Paranoia.
  • paranoia

    3. The Link To Reporting A Site
    If nothing else works, this will. Just send the webmaster an email linking to There’s no need to bother with trying to report any of the other violations since this one will work. Everyone worries about their links you know.

    Key takeaways:

  • The less you say here, the better. The link will do, all on its own.
  • I wouldn’t bother signing off with anything fun like “Be sweet you hear? Love, Jim” as that might make the webmaster start to cry.

  • This tends to work best with webmasters who:

  • Cry in public.
  • Use tin foil in an excessive manner.
  • Are paranoid, gullible, skittish, and reactionary. Chances are, if he IS using an SEO, that SEO’s gonna get fired today. Yay!!
  • tin foil hat

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    13 Responses to “Threats: The New Way To Compete”

    1. Manley says:

      I do hope this is satire.

    2. Julie Joyce says:

      Not at all. I also think Ireland’s hunger issues can be solved if they would eat their own children.


    3. Manley says:

      Oh the irony of your not recognising the satire in my comments ;)

    4. Julie Joyce says:

      God I know!!! It’s almost too much to bear.

    5. Julie Joyce says:

      OK on a serious note (finally) I do want to say that I realize, sadly, that there will actually be people who read this and think I’m truly advocating doing something this fucking asinine. For any of you who read it and think that, god help you.

    6. Michael Wissekerke says:

      the cat in the pic is awesome… looks like it’s about to “pop a cap in yo’ ass” or at very least battle cat

    7. Lisa Myers says:

      Are you sure you’re not English? You are too brilliant. Had me laughing all the way through.

    8. Matt Davies says:

      Unfortunately, there’s plenty of companies for whom gaining work through this sort of FUD is their entire business model. Surprising how much business can be gained by boasting about how you *don’t* do something. No need to explain what you would be doing instead, of course.

    9. rishil says:

      Why is there a picture of @robwatts on there? :P

    10. brad says:

      It would be fantastic if they did take it seriously.

      What sort of response would you give an email like one of the above?


      Dear Sir,

      Thank you for your email. Now F*^£ off and get a real job.

      Have a great day!


    11. Julie Joyce says:

      The cat was so awesome that I could have just posted it, with no actual…post.

      And Matt, I totally agree that some people do this…in fact, this is based on my recently losing a client through tactics such as this.

      I might be English…I wonder if I can get some sort of funding if I can prove that I am? I’ll give it a go! It’s the American way.

    12. [...] linkbait are natural, organic and extremely hard for competitors to replicate. And as pointed SEO Chicks pointed out this week, there are ways to nobble paid links. Although how many people actually do [...]

    13. Funny stuff thanks. Seo Chicks rock! I’ll keep reading.

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