Could A Chimp Do SEO? Heck YES!

As a world class SEO, could you be replaced by an ape?

Chimpanzees and humans share anywhere from 98 to 99 percent of their DNA. And yes, a chimp is an ape, not a monkey. Apes don’t have tails, monkeys do. Knowing this, I’ll expect you to properly lecture young children at the zoo when they point at the chimps and yell “monkey!”

How are we similar? Well, for one thing, we both throw a lot of excrement around. Sure, humans may do it verbally but it’s not too different. Obviously we look similar, with some of us looking even more similar than others. Our brains and central nervous systems are quite alike as well. So with this in mind, could an ape do SEO? Hell yes. There’s no one better to back this up than Jane Goodall either…and please, no nasty comments about Jane or I’ll seriously come find you and string your arse up.

Chimps have been shown to have learned close to 300 or more signs in sign language. That’s about 295 more than I know. One potential drawback here is that “…chimpanzees have not developed sophisticated spoken language.” Well, a lot of SEOs haven’t either. So sure, chimps may not be able to PRONOUNCE certain words but maybe you’ll luck up and get some deaf clients.

Client Interaction
If you’ve ever had a stiff interaction (ahem) with a client who was immune to your considerable charm and didn’t laugh when he said “My boss doesn’t see eye to eye with me on this” and you said “why, is he a midget?”, you should know that you could have simply sent your chimp in for the meeting. He’d have done a better job and would have been far more entertaining, most likely. Especially if he had on a cute little oxford shirt, khaki pants, and desert boots.

Basic HTML is just that, basic. It’s actually basic as hell. 10 year olds can code HTML. Now, with the popularity of code-generating software and content management systems, you can easily get away with not knowing it anyway. This leaves the door open for your friendly neighborhood chimp to come in and start clicking keys. Sooner or later, he’ll get a WordPress blog started.

Chimp on the computer

Analytical Skills
Chimps are “…capable of reasoned thought, abstraction, generalization, symbolic representation and a concept of self.” Again, this is more than I can say for a few SEOs. Most of us DO have a concept of self but it tends to be exaggerated in some cases. You won’t find that in chimps though. They’re very modest creatures, except when they’re in the mood for sexy time. While a chimp may not actually be able to interpret an Analytics report, he can at least hit the print button and hold up a printout, gesturing at it the same way you would. No client expects you to actually know anything about the damn numbers!!!

Analytical guru chimp

Following Google’s Guidelines
Well, I am at a loss here. They’re too feckin’ complicated for me to understand usually, so I wouldn’t expect a chimp to be able to do this properly. However, knowing there are chimps out there doing SEO might make Google clarify their guidelines in the interest of making the web a better place.

Running PPC Campaigns
Chimps might have some trouble here. They seem to be comedians who’d jack up the cost per click prices just to get a good laugh. However, is that not something you’ve done at some point? Or is it just me? A chimp could set up some ads and get them going and just let them roll…needing only minimal assistance at best. Or, you could simply have another human underling set up the ads and let the chimp login and check on them every day. He need not actually do any examination of the campaigns, of course. The key here is that he LOOKS like he’s doing it.

Building Links
Judging by the fact that chimps tend to get the most attention at the zoo, it’s obvious to me that they’d also get the most links. Everyone likes a chimp. If said chimp had to pursue inbound links, it would be quite simple to set up an email system where the chimp hit a button and bam, email requests are sent out and the chimp can take a load off, pop open a can of Budweiser (bottle openers might be dangerous with chimps and you don’t want to get hit by a glass bottle) and watch the links come pouring in, laughing all the way to his chimp bank.

Social Media
This is probably the area in which chimps would seriously excel. Chimps are social creatures, and they probably have better social skills than many of us. If a chimp requested to add me as a friend on Facebook, I’d be insane not to do it! How cool would that be anyway, to have a chimp for a Facebook friend? Chimps can use cameras, and can probably use Flickr software too. Chimps can click on the “Sphinn this” link, or Stumbleupon a website. Chimps could get Linked In, too, and show off their resumes.

Chimps can use Flickr

I’d definitely have a drink with a chimp at a bar after a conference. Wouldn’t you? Naturally I’d make him pay though…I’ve had drinks with some really hairy men, many of whom were also short, so I have experience with this type of thing already. Chimps are chick magnets too, especially when they have gleaming gold pendants nestled in those hairy chimp chests. Sociable chimps also “travel around in small groups of up to six, the membership of which is always changing as individuals wander off on their own for period of time, or join other groups.” This is a lot like the SEOMoz crew or the Google clan if you think about it. Chimps are natural networkers. They can possibly fake being interested in what other people are saying better than I can, too.

Chimps like beer!

So perk up. At least you aren’t in danger of being replaced by a bag of sand. Not yet, anyway.

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45 Responses to “Could A Chimp Do SEO? Heck YES!”

  1. inkode says:

    We also share the same DNA with a banana (50%) a cabbage (40-50%) and a fruit fly (60%) If we somehow combined these with a chip – would we have a SEO that is 149% more effective at building links??

  2. Julie’s five known sign language gestures:

    1- Pointing at the desert cart that has six different kinds of chocolate cake.

    2- Shooting the bird to the woman who just walked off with the last pair of size 5 Christian Louboutin shoes (which were discounted 50%).

    3- Giving the thumbs up to the bartender when asked if she would like another Red Bull with a vodka chaser (after she has already downed three).

    4- A high five when she gives everyone when she scores front row tickets to the latest Roxy Music reunion tour (with Adam Ant opening).

    5- A fist that she hits me with when she reads that I’m making fun of her post (which is quite good by the way).

  3. [...] have and I am a fan of women hard at work in this powerful industry.† But today they blogged about Monkeys doing SEO. Obviously, they were trying to state how easy it was to do [...]

  4. Julie Joyce says:

    Gene: you’re on my list you know. Sure, those are indeed the 5 signs I know but you didn’t have to make them public. God, a Roxy/Adam show…I’m not going to be able to work all day now.

    Inkode: yes we would. Obviously.

    Stephanie: glad you like the blog…apparently I should have spent more time on the “apes not monkeys” bit though.

  5. Excellent post from a fellow primatologist, SEO and redhead. Are you sure we aren’t related? =)

    If a chimp can write Hamlet, they can certainly do SEO!!!

  6. Julie Joyce says:

    Ha! Thanks Rhea. We have to be at least distantly related…let’s just say that we are. I mean, we MUST be.

  7. g1smd says:

    As if any of us could ever be confused enough mix up a chimp and an evilgreenmonkey???

    Sure, the chimp could do SEO. Not sure about the other one though… :-) :-P

  8. Our staff alerted me to this topic and I have to say it is rather timely. They were pleased that you are writing about them…

  9. Julie Joyce says:

    I can’t say for sure, but I am fairly convinced that I have had a drink with Pranav. I’m actually quite embarrassed at having given him my email address now though. This could really be bad news for my career.

  10. iwillfearnoevil says:

    if only the chimps could be housed offshore, then that’d be a really deadly combo and put lots of people outta business.

  11. [...] with Seo Chick: Julie Joyce October 30th, 2007 After attacking her post about Monkeys Chimps doing SEO, I decided to ask Julie Joyce for an interview. With a name that sounds like the name of a [...]

  12. Julie, are you calling us Mozzers a group of chimps? I should be outraged, but I’m too busy peeling a banana with my feet.

  13. Julie Joyce says:

    Hello Rebecca. Yes I am. If the banana fits…ok um, that isn’t right.

  14. Yeah, maybe not the best saying to use here…get your mind out of the gutter, Julie!

  15. Julie Joyce says:

    True. I feel suddenly unable to eat breakfast now.

  16. I think with knowing Pure CSS design I’m safe from the chimps…. for now.

  17. 5ubliminal says:

    2nd post in two days where I read about similarities between us and … monkeys. And I want to make the same comment here as I made on the other one.

    Where refering to apes… you refer to yourself…right? I hope you’re not talking about me! The next quote must be talking about this blog:

    “This leaves the door open for your friendly neighborhood chimp to come in and start clicking keys. Sooner or later, heíll get a WordPress blog started.”


  18. Julie Joyce says:

    Yep, that’s actually how the SEO Chicks blog got started. Few people know that, but many have guessed. OK, off to go have my fifteenth banana of the day.

  19. I could not stop lauthing all the way.

    Looks like one o your chimps is Aaron Wall, and aotheone is DaveN…

    Where is the bisss chimp, the GoogleGuy…:)

    Will recommend this post for a long time.
    The best post I have ever read.

    Igor The Troll

  20. I loved you post so much, I gave it to wiki senior editor for nomination as the best SEO post. Do not know if we have a category for it, but would be nice to put it in.

    Maybe we can call you the Smartest SEO Chimp..:)

    Can you right a post like this for a Troll?

    A Troll is smarter than an SEO..:)

  21. Julie Joyce says:

    Igor, could you change your name to Igor Julie’s New Best Friend maybe? And what a lovely compliment. Thank you.

  22. Julie, no problem, I got you in on all who’s who blogs already..

    Trolls work very fast..:)

  23. Julie Joyce says:

    The Smartest SEO Chimp!! That has a certain bit of class to it, doesn’t it…I like it. I suppose I can stop shaving now. But fruit…I need to buy more fruit.

    I shall consider the troll angle. That sounds dirty, like I’ve been reading some nasty magazine. Anyway, I’ll naturally have to research trolls. I think there is one down the street from me. I’ve seen him lurking about near the pub, down near a lovely stream.

    Damn, trolls do work fast. Can you get any of your fellow trolls to work at Starbucks? I’d like a faster latte to be quite honest.

  24. Trolls are like tunnel rats, we have the connections.
    We do not follow the standard protocol, but use hyperdrive teleportation.

    Sort of like Leprecons. So if you need our help just Wikipedia for us..:)

  25. I love this article. Very humbling. I am now letting my chimp train me to be a better SEO. I hope to be CEO after he passes away. Great stuff keep it up

  26. Larry Hosken says:

    I’ve never seen a chimp with a WordPress account, but I have seen a monkey on Blogspot:

  27. Dam Julie, you too smart. Can’t hide anything from you, must be all the chimps you have helping you..:)

    You found the Starbucks plug…

    Pleas be nice and do not tell EvilGoogle.

  28. Julie Joyce says:

    I won’t tell EvilGoogle. I can only sign “I want Smokey, give me Smokey” anyway.

  29. Why not invite her, then you will have 5+1=6 gorgeous chicks.

  30. Julie Joyce says:

    Yes Igor. A chimp would be embarrassed by the current US president. Actually I suspect that most primates are quite quick to deny having any common DNA with Bush.

    A troll would make a better president too. Actually, a bag of sand would as well.

  31. Julie..:)

    You should come to the Moz and say hello to all the Mozzers.

  32. Julie Joyce says:

    Igor–they have a restraining order out against me. Wait, no…they don’t. Never mind.

  33. No problem..:) Maybe Matt has a restraining order against me?

    Anyway sorry late to respond, but was talking to a friend about some stuff on my travel in asia forum…

  34. Julie Joyce says:

    Nothing wrong with a restraining order. Mostly not, at least. I suppose we can excuse your lateness this one time.

  35. Thats it I quite,,,I am getting thumbed down for mentioning SEO chicks on the MozeBoard…I rather hire Chimps than SEOs..:)

  36. Julie Joyce says:

    Damn them all to hell!! OK sorry. It better not be Rebecca!!! Although that would be highly amusing…

  37. I think Jane playing tag with me…:)

  38. [...] have to say “Could A Chimp Do SEO? Heck YES!” because when I met Jon Henshaw at Pubcon that year, he knew who I was from that piece. I [...]

  39. sudarhtc says:

    That was interesting and funny. Thanks.

  40. [...] it was on the SEO Chicks site when Stephanie Weingart commented on a post (link is here¬†but the comments don’t seem to be accessible at the moment) and basically baited me into an [...]

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