Twitter! I Don't Even Know Her!

I just signed up on Twitter and boy are my arms tired. Wait…that isn’t right. OK I did just sign up on Twitter and even tweeted once but so far, I’m not feeling it. What on earth is the draw here? Am I missing something? I even asked young Steph to help enlighten me, since she’s hip on social media and I now view her as the voice of a generation that’s a generation younger than I am, damn her. I also read several articles about how to use Twitter to my advantage, but still…nothing is really clicking.

Admittedly, I haven’t given it much time. I hated Facebook initially but now I am addicted. Twitter, however, just seems to be designed to flood other people with irrelevant information that they have to wade through in order to find the pearls. That’s time I could spend sleeping or poking Lisa on Facebook (or working.) I’m not alone in my dislike of Twitter, either, as it’s apparently cool to hate it. Well, I am nothing if not cool. Witness my recent purchase of black and orange Adidas and Yo La Tengo concert attendances. Ahem. Note that I am too cool to link to any of this, lest the crowd follow and I become even more passe.

Still, several people that I quite respect are indeed using Twitter. To me, this is an indication that I’m simply too stupid/old/misanthropic to figure out how to use it. I mean, Liana Evans twitters! There are few people in this industry that I have more respect for…and considering the inanities that I list in my Facebook status updates, it’s hard to imagine WHY I can’t warm up to Twitter. It seems perfectly suited for that honestly. Why is it that I feel ok telling my Facebook friends that I am afraid of marmite, yet I think doing this on Twitter would make me a lesser human being? Just ask anyone whom I converse with on IM…I will not hesitate to bore someone to death with the minutiae of my life. I mean seriously, I have conversations with people about what they’re going to have for dinner and how windy it is outside. I’m about to fall asleep just thinking about that.

Apparently one way of using Twitter professionally is to provide quick and constant updates to a group, such as your employees when you’re trying to get across town to a meeting where they’re all sitting down at the conference table, talking smack about you. I found a good Lifehack article that lists 5 Ways to Use Twitter for Good, but the only one listed that would be of any real interest to me is the one entitled “Micro-Attention-Sharing” which is actually quite nice, as it allows me to see which new blog posts my friends have written. Also, I would definitely describe my attention span as being of the “micro” variety.

So I’m now at 20% interest. That’s not a lot.

Then I found the article The Top 5 Ways Smart People Use Twitter. None of the methods suggested truly floated my boat, making me feel non-smart but I did find it interesting to note this quote: “It�s much easier for me to get ideas for story posts by looking at a microblogger�s Twitter feed than by trudging into my Bloglines account. Good-bye RSS feed reader!” I do spend a lot of time on my feed reader, as I have tons of feeds that I need to keep up with so I can know what Matt Cutts’ cat is up to AND, like most bloggers, I do occasionally encounter a dry spell when it comes to ideas about which to write. If you’ve read my last few posts, Facebook status updates, or IMs, you’ll agree that I could stand to get some damn new ideas. So theoretically, THIS could be a Twitter use for me, IF I could be arsed to figure out how exactly to do this. So now I’m at 40%.

THEN I found the article
Eight Ways Twitter is Useful Professionally
. I immediately laughed at the number one suggestion, which is to “Make existing professional relationships stronger and more intimate.” I can tell you right now, twittering about how I’m watching Dragonslayer and eating nachos on the couch isn’t going to do anything but get my ass fired. Number eight, though, is beautiful and represents all that I could ever hope for in any product: “Learn important news. I�m much less dependent on my newsreader now because I hear about cool stuff all day via Twitter. For example: I didn�t know that Starbucks was giving away free coffee today until I read it on Twitter.” I can assure you that if Twitter alerted me to some free coffee, I’d print this blog post out and physically eat it. First I’ll have to figure out how to get the alerts though, won’t I? Damn it. So I’ll go up 25% for the laughter from item one and the hope from item eight, bringing me up to a glowing 65% interest.

Well in writing this post, it does appear that I have actually found some credible uses for Twitter…still, if you’re using Twitter in any remotely professional manner, please let me know because I’m still mostly unconvinced that it can benefit me in any manner. Of course, I said the same thing about the giant television Jay bought but once I saw The Equalizer throw someone against the wall with his leather-gloved muscular arms (the old hottie!), I was singing its praises. Like James Bond and Romeo Void said, never say never!