How To Get More Followers On Twitter If You’re A Girl And Aren’t All That Interesting

I am a bit of a geek girl. I’m good with computers, the Internet and various other pieces of technology. However, since getting into the tech world and especially since developing a nasty Twitter habit, I’ve noticed a new breed of annoying female that I’d never come across before. If you live out in the real world, you may have seen them on occasion, but they’re everywhere on the web. Outside, where flesh replaces pixels, they’re harder to spot. Enhanced with Ruby on Rails, these women have become the sorority girls of the Internet. Get mad at me for being hypocritical if you like; I’ve probably done some of these things. However, if you must become famous on the Internet, here’s what you have to do:

  1. Relate oneself to frosting, icing, cupcakes, muffins or any other variety of sweet confection which one does not actually consume on a regular basis but which is often pink.
  2. Pick a blog handle, Twitter name or general online pen-name with care. Is your name Nicole Kent? (I made that name up, in case you’re wondering.) “NicoleKent” won’t do. “jnikkicakecat” would be a far better choice, but for God’s sake, avoid using numbers. No one’s done that since 2001′s Yahoo! chat rooms and you don’t even have Yahoo! saved in your browser’s history.
  3. Pretend to be retarded.
  4. Talk a lot about Apple products, even if you secretly use a Dell Inspiron 6000 that’s running XP, weighs more than a year’s pile of college text books and is missing its down arrow and F5 keys.
  5. Attend a lot of tech-related events to give off the impression that every day of your life is SXSW. Twitter at Michael Arrington and make it seem like he replies.
  6. Blog about your diet, which consists solely of tea, sushi and oddities only found at strange markets in Austin and Providence, RI.
  7. Reclaim MySpace; Abandon Facebook. If in United Kingdom, flirt with Bebo.
  8. Actually change your name. If people find out you’re really called Nicole Kent, things could get ugly. Hint that your name is actually Fairess Sweetakins.
  9. Own a regular pet but make sure to point out that it’s not a German Shepherd, it’s a Belgian Malinois. What? I said I was a hypocrite.
  10. Practice yoga and meditation in order to forget that 9,280 of your 9,302 Twitter followers are pony-tailed software developers from Omaha.
  11. An oldie but a goodie: take pictures and video of yourself from strange angles. It worked on Friendster, it ruled MySpace, it’ll work in the odd life you lead that can only be dubbed Blogtter.
  12. Stay the fuck out of politics, unless you’re expressing sexual fantasies about Barak Obama. You risk alienating at least half of your audience no matter what you say, and it’s way more interesting to talk about Wii Sports. The Barak stuff is fine: pony-tailed software developers don’t care if you’re fantasising about Margaret bloody Thatcher, so long as they get to think about you and sex.
  13. OMG Digg.
  14. Stay the fuck out of coffee politics. Claim that the people at Starbucks have your idiotic drink ready for you before you get there.
  15. Choose a yummy sample of generic pop culture phenomena, such as cartoons or musicians, and obsess over them. There’s nothing better than claiming a pop culture mainstay as your own and subtly indicating that it’s far more deep and meaningful than everyone else understands it to be.
  16. Learn at least some real computer skills so that you can Twitter about your server from time to time.
  17. Write blog posts that consist of less than one-hundred words. In the Twitter culture, no one has time to read 900 – 1,000 word entries.
  18. Have an offline friend who is very cool. Talk about the friend a lot online. “Stacey” did this. “Stacey” did that. Elevate “Stacey” to a god-like level for no particular reason at all. Don’t let “Stacey” know.
  19. Refrain from talking about “Web 2.0.” It makes you look like a dick. Instead, talk about digital media.
  20. Write for a blog called “(Technology-related Subject) Chicks” and wear little shirts with name of said blog emblazened across them, atop the boobs. And be a fuck ton better than the “(Technology-related Subject) Blokes” blog while you’re at it.

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27 Responses to “How To Get More Followers On Twitter If You’re A Girl And Aren’t All That Interesting”

  1. Gary Pool says:

    Great post Jane, I laughed so hard I could hardly stay in my chair.

  2. Julie Joyce says:

    Brilliant!! Luckily for you…and I actually do eat cupcakes and muffins on a regular basis. Is that wrong?

  3. lol! excellent post Jane. What’s Twitter ;)

  4. Jane Copland says:

    @Julie: No, because your blog isn’t also decorated with them :P

    @Lisa: Best never to find out.

    @Gary: Thanks!

  5. Lauren says:

    Great post Jane! Very entertaining!

  6. Hilarious! Shouldn’t there also be something about the electric or hybrid car that you don’t really drive in RL?
    Or random references to software packages/languages you don’t actually use? :-)

  7. Jane Copland says:

    Maria: agreed. I could have gone on for a lot longer :)

  8. And shouldn’t there be some reference in there somewhere about being green… or doing green… or how using pixels instead of plastic water bottles is more green… duh!

  9. Sean Maguire says:

    Jesus H – I almost spit up my quad ristretto venti whole milk organic 3 pump vanilla 2 pump cinnamon dolce extra hot with foam and whipped cream upside down stirred latte; when I read this.

    Nice work Jane.

  10. Julie Joyce says:

    I am now anticipating the 2.0 version of this post Flora.

    @Sean: except for the cinammon, that sounds fantastic. I will print that out and tote it with me next time I go to Starbucks.

  11. Amazing post, it took me about 5 minutes to calm down…

    >> Claim that the people at Starbucks have your idiotic drink ready for you before you get there.

    But that’s so true, OMFG :D

  12. JD says:

    Truth has never been that funny!

    Self portraits so often reveal that we are not actually unique at all :P

    I was laughing before I got past the title!

    ——————————————

    @JaneSweetCheeksCopelandKat: Glad we talked the moon across the sky last night.

    @JaneSweetCheeksCopelandKat: Yeah me too.

    @JaneSweetCheeksCopelandKat: I’ll hold you too that! :)

    @JaneSweetCheeksCopelandKat: Sleep tight ;)

  13. Jane Copland says:

    Glad you guys liked it!
    @JD: there’s no “e” in Copland ;)

  14. Brilliant, Jane. (but I think your retarded friend iJustine just shut down her Twitter account. All I got was blank).

  15. Julie Joyce says:

    the comment “your retarded friend iJustine” is almost as funny as this post actually…make sure you introduce someone that way at the SMX show please. Not me, of course.

  16. nicole says:

    haha love this…what is your twitter name?!

  17. Conrad Salvador says:

    This was a great post. Very funny and very true.

  18. Was this text meant to be ironic or selfcritival?

  19. Paul Zhao says:

    Ha, that’s pretty funny. Creative and original. Good Job.

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  21. Kayla says:

    Justine is actually really smart and knows her stuff – often way before anyone else does.

    I think it’s interesting you’re making fun of certain kinds of girl behavior but your domain has “chicks” in it… eh. I dislike the term. Are ya using chicks to get more exposure to your blog from pony-tailed guys in Omaha?

    P.S. I do drink tea, eat sushi and still find the cupcake trend cute although it’s getting old.

  22. Julie Joyce says:

    @Kayla: it’s worth pointing out that Jane had nothing to do with the domain name, as she came on board a few months after the blog was started. So no, she isn’t using chicks to get more exposure to our blog from pony-tailed guys in Omaha. Lisa D and I, however, are doing it EXACTLY for that reason. I hope to fuck it’s working.

  23. i stopped giggling or taking this “article” seriously after point 5. it’s true, iJustine is a bit of a “retard” (it is acting, right?), but the rest were just inane.

    and here i thought i was gonna find some real pointers.

  24. Jane says:

    Aw, Russell! I’m sorry mate. I’ll give you a pointer: You’re a wee bit too ‘invisybl’. Link to a Twitter page that exists ;)

  25. Damita says:

    Ha ha so funny but so true!

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