8 Random Things about Me, Like You Care

Ah, another meme, that lovely bit of viral marketing that gets you up off your arse and forces you to write!

I was tagged by Chris Hambly, social media god…if you’ve not yet read his blog, do so. Not only will you get useful industry information, you’ll also get some nice commentary on the state of affairs in England. My topic is 8 Random Things About Me, which is truly perfect since I am nothing if not random.

1. I am deathly afraid of alligators, crocodiles, and sharks, even though I never go anywhere near them unless they’re properly put up away from me. They scare me so badly that I have nightmares about them maybe once a week. If I ever fall into the middle of the ocean or a swamp in Louisiana, I’ll die of shock before anything eats me luckily. If I lived in Florida, I wouldn’t even have a pet door in case some 8 feet long alligator would come in and I’d get up in the middle of the night and step over it, not wearing my glasses, thinking it was one of my dogs.

2. I would never transport Dracula at night or eat candy apples, coconut, or mayonnaise. All those things are just foolhardy. Actually, I may add fennel to that list, after having what was basically fennel stew with a raw egg on top of it at some posh place in Durham, NC.

3. I have never had a cavity…neither has my father or my paternal grandmother. My dentist HATES me and it’s not just because I told him that his hygienist should have his salary since he does f%&^ all. He also has silly facial hair.

4. Drawing a perpendicular to things makes more sense to me than drawing a parallel. It’s also really confusing to bystanders to say “well let me draw a perpendicular to it for you” and then that’s just free comedy. It’s the main reason why I sometimes say things like “hooray, hooray the cat lives!” when someone asks the time.

5. I assume that when I don’t know someone’s last name, it must actually be Spivey. It’s highly unlikely, statistically speaking, but still…what an awesome freaking surname.

6. I’d really like to own chickens and raise them as pets (with the proper paid help naturally and a state of the art chicken coop that is built in the same Victorian style as my house), and maybe walk one (at a time, or else it would be nuts) on a leash down the street. People would get out of your freaking way if you had a Rhode Island Red on a damn leash wouldn’t they? They could live out back with the dogs and I’d walk outside past them and gesture towards them grumpily saying “chickens here” like Tim Roth did when he played van Gogh. Unfortunately, a giant bloodhound makes everyone on the planet want to stop to talk to you. A chicken? Not so much.

7. If I like a song, I’ll listen to it over and over and over again until I’ve heard it so much, I can’t stand it any more and don’t listen to it for about a year. This is why I hate so much music. Currently I’m doing this with Say Hi’s “Let’s Talk About Spaceships” and F.U.’s “Young, Fast Iranians.”

8. I think that a boxed Chef Boyardee pizza mix is truly one of life’s ultimate pleasures. However, I’ll only make one if no one else is home, lest I have to share it. Everyone makes fun of the Chef, yet their hands are out with plates when you start dishing it out.

And here we go with the “tag, you’re it” bit…
Gene Wicker Jr.
Shana Albert aka The Nanny
Nic and Cher (yes both of them–they are both so freaking cute)
Any one of the SEO Blokes, all of whom are morons, none of whom ever write
Jonathan Pritchard-Barrett

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