How To Act Right in Vegas

Since some of you may be going to PubCon and staying at the very posh Wynn (the hotel of choice for the SEO Chicks minus one), I thought I’d take this opportunity to give you some pointers and let you all learn from my past experience.

To properly enjoy your stay, please keep the following in mind, especially whilst inebriated. I might suggest laminating a copy of this post to carry with you at all times, in fact, as a plastic covering will keep the tips from being soaked with the copious amounts of alcohol that you’ll most likely be drinking. And spilling.

1. The Wynn really is a posh place. Public drunkenness is everywhere in Vegas, but at the Wynn, you’re likely to be escorted away quietly by scary large men in dark suits. Stay in groups of at least 4 when drinking large quantities (and may I recommend the Sidecar as a quite lovely drink?) so that, if you’re the victim of the aforementioned quiet escort, someone can remind you of it for the rest of your life. Plus you need witnesses.

2. Ah, the Sidecar. This drink caused me to loudly speak about my sexual preferences to people that I later encountered professionally and it caused someone who shall remain unnamed to get so insane that a wheelchair was almost stolen whilst its owner was standing up out of it, innocently filling out a form at the desk. Her response when I said “good god woman, what are you thinking?” was something to the tune of “well he’s not using it right now!” The Sidecar is deathly strong, and if you see someone drinking them one after the other, don’t think “well hell, let her keep going. At this rate she’ll pass out soon!” because no, she freaking won’t. She’ll get you thrown out of a bar later on is what she’ll do. Beware the Sidecar.

3. Beware of going to nice dinners with people that you don’t know well. When the check arrives, they’re sure to excuse themselves to go to the loo and never show up again. If you are going to dinner with a large group, try Taco Bell.

4. If a lady, or an SEO Chick, drags you out onto the dance floor, do not, I repeat DO NOT, abandon her and say something lame in a wheedling tone like “I just really want to drink my beer!” This is really ungentlemanly behavior. If you happen to be female and one of us drags you out, well enjoy it and ask us if we like jazz. Also if this is all going on, don’t ask the DJ to play Kraftwerk because he’s never heard of them and that’ll just piss you off. This happened to me, courtesy of Ekrum Ashgar and the worst DJ ever, whose name I wish I’d obtained so I could slam him constantly.

5. Do not tell any strippers your hotel and room number and then become surprised when they show up.

6. When enjoying a buffet, do not attempt to rearrange the tables.
The staff doesn’t like this for some reason, and they’ll yell at you. Also in this same vein, do not attempt to “get your money’s worth” and then go drinking and puke all over everyone. Seeing veal once is bad enough, but seeing it twice? I shudder to think.

7. Do not let the Chanel salesgirl make you believe that yes, $2000 isn’t that bad for a handbag. It IS that bad. It’s freaking NUTS. Especially since said bag is purple.

8. Do not get into a pizza delivery car/security vehicle thinking that it’s a cab. However, IF you do, pay the driver a few bucks if he’ll take you somewhere. More than likely, he’s gonna get you there faster than a Vegas cab driver would. Um, I have attempted this BUT Lisa takes the cake here because she wasn’t stopped by a friendly Irish drunk first like I was.

9. Do not be afraid to use your cleavage to get free truffles at the chocolate shop in the mall across the street from the Wynn. I wasn’t afraid to use my friend’s cleavage for this purpose, to the tune of 12 free truffles! Embarrassing behavior on my part, but it certainly isn’t the first time and I sure know it won’t be the last. If he’d appeared to simply be a man who enjoyed slightly built red-haired women who make witty remarks about SEO, I wouldn’t have pimped her out like I did. Still, free truffles!! Obviously I was party to this travesty and I am still mortified by it, but it worked.

10. Don’t act like a jerk in general. Don’t go around asking people “are you somebody?” in a really obnoxious tone, or you’ll probably get beaten down by a man in a kilt. Don’t suck up to the SEOMozzers just because you think they’ll buy you dinner (they will try!) and don’t, under any circumstances, ask a redhead if the carpet matches the drapes, unless you are seriously into being punched in the face by a girl.

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