How To Get More Followers On Twitter If You're A Girl And Aren't All That Interesting

I am a bit of a geek girl. I’m good with computers, the Internet and various other pieces of technology. However, since getting into the tech world and especially since developing a nasty Twitter habit, I’ve noticed a new breed of annoying female that I’d never come across before. If you live out in the real world, you may have seen them on occasion, but they’re everywhere on the web. Outside, where flesh replaces pixels, they’re harder to spot. Enhanced with Ruby on Rails, these women have become the sorority girls of the Internet. Get mad at me for being hypocritical if you like; I’ve probably done some of these things. However, if you must become famous on the Internet, here’s what you have to do:

  1. Relate oneself to frosting, icing, cupcakes, muffins or any other variety of sweet confection which one does not actually consume on a regular basis but which is often pink.
  2. Pick a blog handle, Twitter name or general online pen-name with care. Is your name Nicole Kent? (I made that name up, in case you’re wondering.) “NicoleKent” won’t do. “jnikkicakecat” would be a far better choice, but for God’s sake, avoid using numbers. No one’s done that since 2001′s Yahoo! chat rooms and you don’t even have Yahoo! saved in your browser’s history.
  3. Pretend to be retarded.
  4. Talk a lot about Apple products, even if you secretly use a Dell Inspiron 6000 that’s running XP, weighs more than a year’s pile of college text books and is missing its down arrow and F5 keys.
  5. Attend a lot of tech-related events to give off the impression that every day of your life is SXSW. Twitter at Michael Arrington and make it seem like he replies.
  6. Blog about your diet, which consists solely of tea, sushi and oddities only found at strange markets in Austin and Providence, RI.
  7. Reclaim MySpace; Abandon Facebook. If in United Kingdom, flirt with Bebo.
  8. Actually change your name. If people find out you’re really called Nicole Kent, things could get ugly. Hint that your name is actually Fairess Sweetakins.
  9. Own a regular pet but make sure to point out that it’s not a German Shepherd, it’s a Belgian Malinois. What? I said I was a hypocrite.
  10. Practice yoga and meditation in order to forget that 9,280 of your 9,302 Twitter followers are pony-tailed software developers from Omaha.
  11. An oldie but a goodie: take pictures and video of yourself from strange angles. It worked on Friendster, it ruled MySpace, it’ll work in the odd life you lead that can only be dubbed Blogtter.
  12. Stay the fuck out of politics, unless you’re expressing sexual fantasies about Barak Obama. You risk alienating at least half of your audience no matter what you say, and it’s way more interesting to talk about Wii Sports. The Barak stuff is fine: pony-tailed software developers don’t care if you’re fantasising about Margaret bloody Thatcher, so long as they get to think about you and sex.
  13. OMG Digg.
  14. Stay the fuck out of coffee politics. Claim that the people at Starbucks have your idiotic drink ready for you before you get there.
  15. Choose a yummy sample of generic pop culture phenomena, such as cartoons or musicians, and obsess over them. There’s nothing better than claiming a pop culture mainstay as your own and subtly indicating that it’s far more deep and meaningful than everyone else understands it to be.
  16. Learn at least some real computer skills so that you can Twitter about your server from time to time.
  17. Write blog posts that consist of less than one-hundred words. In the Twitter culture, no one has time to read 900 – 1,000 word entries.
  18. Have an offline friend who is very cool. Talk about the friend a lot online. “Stacey” did this. “Stacey” did that. Elevate “Stacey” to a god-like level for no particular reason at all. Don’t let “Stacey” know.
  19. Refrain from talking about “Web 2.0.” It makes you look like a dick. Instead, talk about digital media.
  20. Write for a blog called “(Technology-related Subject) Chicks” and wear little shirts with name of said blog emblazened across them, atop the boobs. And be a fuck ton better than the “(Technology-related Subject) Blokes” blog while you’re at it.

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